Tuesday 15 January 2019

I Would Have To Kill You

Accidental Heroes

Now I can't tell you too much or I'd have to kill you. Let's just say this is a true story from an RFA ship.......

I was enjoying my latest work detail. I had to paint the ship's funnel with another lad 'Gormless' George. I say 'lad', at nineteen George was a year older than me. In all fairness though he made two short planks look like the latest Apple-Mac. The other seamen thought it was an act at first but were quick to lose patience and tag him Gormless. It wasn't that he was dim, far from it when conversation swung to a particular interest of his, he was just...... slow. It's like he was using Google translate. I felt sorry for him and if somebody tried to tease George I would chime in and make the person look silly.

It helped George a little in that I became part of the joke. We were the youngest deck-hands and the older seamen dubbed us Dumb and Dumber. Now we shared the flak. 'Right if that's what they think, so be it' I thought.
"They say we're slow then that's what we will be" I said to George.
"Huh?" he asked diligently.
"I was just thinking if...." I saw the blank look on George's face and started to think maybe the older seamen had a point "never mind"

There was no point trying to explain and it was probably best George didn't know. There was only so slow you could go. George needed no instruction when it came to slow, it was almost like he was going behind me and somehow taking the paint off. The bosun hadn't put a time limit on the job. I had sized it up. It should take a couple of hours, even with two coats we would be finished by lunch.

The clear blue skies complimented the glass-like surface of the Mediterranean. It was too nice to be working inside and I thought we could perhaps stretch the job out all day. What I didn't realise was the bosun had allowed all day for the job, or I might have gone for a second day. The job was easy apart from the very top which couldn't be reached even with the paint rollers on long poles. I opened the door to the funnel and squeezed through the narrow gap to the rear where a ladder led to a hatch above. The ladder was concealed and I almost missed it.

On top of the funnel was a flat area where I sat basking in the sunshine. Taking my time I leaned over and added the last touches to the paintwork we couldn't reach. It was almost a shame when we finished and took the surplus paint down to the store.

The next day the crew were informed they would be taking part in an exercise with the US Navy Seals. There was a buzz of excitement on board. Not because of the exercise but because of the time off it afforded. The idea was for the crew to hide when the Seals boarded the ship. I rubbed my hands and pulled George to one side.
"We've got the perfect place" I whispered.
"Where?"
"Remember what we were doing yesterday?" I hinted.
"Yeah, but where we going to hide?"
"Never mind"

It was probably best I didn't tell George until the last minute or he might give it away. I sloped off to my cabin and filled a bag with cans of beer. I went up to the funnel deck making sure nobody was watching. Inside the funnel I climbed the ladder, opened the hatch-lid and put the bag of beer on top ready for later.

When the ship's alarms went off signalling the beginning of the exercise I grabbed George and led him away. We made our way to the top of the funnel, sat down and opened a beer each. 'This is the life' I thought. My joy lasted all of ten minutes. The tannoy crackled.
'Thank you for taking part in the exercise gentlemen. Report to the crew mess for debriefing"
"Bollocks!"

I was upset. I had barely finished my first beer. George went to the hatch.
"Let's have at least one more beer before we go down" I told him.

As we leisurely drank another beer the tannoy crackled again.
"The exercise is over. Repeat, the exercise is over. All crew members report to the crew mess for debriefing" the voice sounded more authoritative.

George made to move again but I had an idea.
"We're on top of the funnel and can't hear the tannoy from up here" I said grinning.
"We can, I just heard them say we-"
"You don't do yourself any favours George" I said in exasperation.
"Oh I get it" George said when the penny finally dropped.

For the next three hours increasingly agitated calls were made over the tannoy but we ignored them. In the end I looked at my watch, it was lunch time and we had drunk all the beers.
"Come on then, let's go eat" I slurred.

We walked into the crew mess to a hero's welcome. The captain and the Navy Seals were there all eager to shake our hands.

Unknown to us, the Navy Seals hadn't even bothered looking for the crew. They went straight to the bridge and tannoyed the announcement. When the unsuspecting crew members went to the crew mess they were suddenly confronted by machine guns. The Navy Seals had then spent the best part of four hours scouring the ship for George and me without success.
"So where did you hide" asked one of the Seals.
"I would tell you but I'd have to kill you" I whispered.

2 comments:

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